My husband and I started doing regular check-ins about two years ago, right after a stretch where we realized we had been living more like polite roommates than a married couple. We were both busy, both tired, and both assuming the other person “just knew” what was going on in our heads. Spoiler alert: he did not know, and neither did I. So now, once a week over coffee on Sunday mornings, we sit down for what we jokingly call our “state of the union,” and it has honestly saved us from so many arguments that used to start with the words “well how was I supposed to know.”
If you have never done a marriage check-in before, it is exactly what it sounds like: a dedicated, low-stakes time to talk about how you are both doing, individually and as a team. It is not a fight, it is not a therapy session (although it can feel a little therapeutic), and it does not have to be long or formal. The trick is having the right questions on hand so the conversation actually goes somewhere instead of turning into “how was your day, fine, how was yours, also fine.” I pulled together 30 of our favorite check-in questions, grouped by theme, so you can pick and choose what fits your relationship right now.
Emotional Connection
- Have you felt close to me this week, or a little distant?
- Is there anything you have been wanting to tell me but haven’t found the right moment?
- When did you feel most loved by me recently?
- Is there anything I did or said that hurt your feelings, even a little?
- What is one thing I could do this week to make you feel more appreciated?
Finances
- Are we on track with our budget, or do we need to adjust something?
- Is there a purchase coming up that we should talk through together?
- Do you feel stressed about money right now, and if so, what specifically?
- Are we saving enough toward our shared goals?
- Is there a financial habit of mine that bothers you?
Intimacy
- Do you feel like we have had enough physical affection lately?
- Is there anything you would like more of in our intimate life?
- When did you feel most desired by me recently?
- Is there anything getting in the way of us feeling connected physically?
- What is one thing that would help you feel more romanced this week?
Future Goals
- Are we still aligned on where we want to be in five years?
- Is there a dream you have been sitting on that you haven’t shared with me?
- What is one goal we could start working toward together this month?
- Do you feel like your career and our family life are in balance right now?
- Is there anything about our future that worries you?
Division of Labor
- Do you feel like the household workload is fair right now?
- Is there a task you have been dreading or feeling resentful about?
- Is there something I do that you wish I would take off your plate, or vice versa?
- Are we splitting the mental load evenly, not just the physical chores?
- Is there a system or routine we could set up to make our week run smoother?
Individual Needs
- Do you feel like you are getting enough alone time or time with friends?
- Is there something you need from me that you haven’t asked for directly?
- What has been draining your energy lately, and how can I help?
- Is there a hobby or interest you have been wanting to make more time for?
- What is one thing that would make you feel more like yourself this week?
How to Actually Do a Check-In
You do not need candles, a whiteboard, or a three hour block of uninterrupted time to make this work, although if that is your thing, go for it. What matters more is consistency and a little bit of structure. Pick a regular time, even fifteen or twenty minutes, when you are both relatively relaxed and not hangry or exhausted. Put your phones somewhere else in the room. Take turns picking a few questions from each category rather than trying to answer all thirty in one sitting; that is a marathon, not a Sunday coffee chat. And remember, this is not the time to keep score or bring up old grievances as ammunition. The goal is understanding, not winning. If something heavier comes up, it is totally fine to say “let’s set aside more time to really dig into that” instead of trying to solve it on the spot.
My husband is not naturally a big talker about feelings, so I will be honest, our first few check-ins were a little clunky and full of one word answers. But once we made it a habit, something shifted. He started bringing things up on his own, little worries or wins he would have normally kept to himself, and I found myself doing the same. It stopped feeling like an assignment and started feeling like just another way we take care of each other, the same way we take care of the bills or the dishes.
If you try nothing else from this list, just pick three or four questions and ask your spouse this week. You might be surprised what comes up when you actually make space for it. My husband still teases me for turning “how was your week” into a whole ritual, but he shows up for it every single Sunday, and honestly, that tells me everything I need to know about how much it matters to him too.
