I spent my entire early twenties dating like I was window shopping. Swiping right on guys who were “cute enough,” going on dates because I had nothing better to do on a Saturday night, and staying in relationships that felt more like comfortable routines than actual partnerships. I told myself I was keeping my options open, staying casual, not putting too much pressure on things. But if I’m being honest? I was just scared to admit what I actually wanted.
The turning point came at 26 when my best friend Sarah got engaged to someone she’d been dating for just eight months. Eight months! Meanwhile, I’d been in a relationship for two years with someone I couldn’t even picture introducing to my extended family. At her engagement party, watching how her fiancé looked at her, how they finished each other’s sentences, how easy and right it all seemed, something clicked for me. I was exhausted from dating without purpose, from investing time and emotion into connections that were never going anywhere.
That’s when I decided to start dating with intention. And honestly, it changed everything about how I approached relationships, eventually leading me to my husband and the family we’ve built together.
What Does “Dating with Intention” Actually Mean?
Dating with intention doesn’t mean showing up on a first date with a checklist and a timeline for marriage. It’s not about being rigid or putting pressure on every person you meet to be “the one.” What it means is being honest with yourself about what you want from dating and relationships, and making choices that align with those goals.
For me, it meant admitting that I actually wanted a serious, committed relationship that would lead to marriage and kids. I’d been pretending to be cool with casual dating because I thought that’s what I was supposed to want in my twenties. I’d stayed with guys who explicitly told me they weren’t looking for anything serious because I convinced myself that maybe they’d change their minds. Spoiler alert: they never did.
According to relationship researcher Eli Finkel, author of “The All-or-Nothing Marriage,” one of the biggest challenges in modern dating is the paradox of choice combined with unclear expectations. We have more dating options than ever before, but we’re often terrible at communicating what we’re actually looking for. Dating with intention means getting clear on your own goals and being upfront about them.
My First Attempt at Intentional Dating (And How I Got It Wrong)
After Sarah’s engagement party, I went a little overboard. I updated my dating profiles to say I was “looking for something serious leading to marriage.” On first dates, I’d bring up my five-year plan. I asked one guy on a second date what his thoughts were on kids. Looking back, I cringe at how intense I must have seemed.
The problem was I’d confused “dating with intention” with “interviewing potential husbands.” I was so focused on checking boxes (wants marriage? check, wants kids? check, has a stable career? check) that I forgot to actually get to know the humans sitting across from me. I wasn’t being intentional, I was being transactional.
My friend Lisa made a similar mistake when she started intentional dating. She created an actual spreadsheet rating guys on compatibility factors. I wish I was joking. The guy she gave the highest score to? They went on three dates and had zero chemistry. Meanwhile, she almost dismissed a guy who didn’t check all her boxes but ended up being one of the best relationships she ever had.
What Intentional Dating Actually Looks Like
Real intentional dating is more subtle and more powerful than I initially understood. Here’s what I learned it actually involves:
Getting Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
Not a list of 47 requirements, but the core things that genuinely matter for your happiness and compatibility. For me, it was wanting kids, valuing family, having emotional intelligence and communication skills, and sharing similar values around money and lifestyle. Things like height, job prestige, or whether he liked the same TV shows I did? Not actually that important in the long run.
My friend Rachel’s non-negotiables included someone who respected her career ambitions, shared her faith, and wanted to live near her family. Not a long list, but each one was genuinely essential to her long-term happiness. When she met guys who didn’t meet those core requirements, she stopped wasting months hoping they’d change.
Being Honest About What You Want (Even on First Dates)
This doesn’t mean interrogating someone about their marriage timeline over appetizers. But it does mean being honest when the topic naturally comes up. When guys would ask me what I was looking for, I stopped saying “oh, you know, just seeing what’s out there” when what I really meant was “a serious relationship.”
I remember one first date where the guy said he’d just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn’t looking for anything heavy for a while. Old me would have said “totally, same” and then spent three months hoping he’d change his mind. Intentional me said, “I appreciate your honesty. I’m actually looking for something more serious, so it sounds like we might not be aligned right now.” He respected it, we had a nice rest of the date, and we both moved on. No games, no wasted time, no hurt feelings months later.
Paying Attention to Actions, Not Potential
This was huge for me. I used to date guys for who I thought they could become, not who they actually were. He was emotionally unavailable? Well, maybe with the right person (me), he’d open up. He was ambivalent about commitment? Maybe he just hadn’t met the right girl yet. He said he didn’t want kids? Maybe he’d change his mind.
Dating with intention meant learning to believe people when they showed me who they were. If someone was inconsistent, if they pulled away when things got deeper, if they said they weren’t looking for commitment, I took them at their word instead of trying to prove I was worth changing for.
Research by John Gottman shows that successful long-term relationships are built on accepting your partner as they are, not trying to change them. Intentional dating means applying that wisdom from the very beginning.
Stopping the Situationship Spiral
You know what I’m talking about. The undefined relationship that goes on for months or even years. You’re basically in a relationship, you do relationship things, but neither of you will put a label on it or move forward. It’s comfortable enough that you don’t want to leave, but unsatisfying enough that you’re constantly anxious about where it’s going.
I was in one of these for almost a year. When I finally started dating with intention, I realized I needed to have the uncomfortable conversation. “I really enjoy what we have, but I need to know if this is going somewhere or if we’re just passing time.” He couldn’t give me an answer, which was actually an answer. It hurt to end it, but within three months, I felt lighter than I had in a year.
My friend Jenna was in a situationship for two years. Two years! When she finally applied intentional dating principles and had the “what are we” conversation, the guy said he “didn’t see her as wife material” but liked hanging out. She was devastated but also relieved to finally have clarity. Six months later, she met her now-husband.
Trusting Your Gut About Compatibility
Intentional dating also means paying attention to how you feel, not just how things look on paper. I dated a guy who checked every single box. He was attractive, successful, wanted marriage and kids, shared my values, made me laugh. My friends loved him. My family thought he was great. But something felt off. We just didn’t quite click in the way I’d experienced with other people.
For weeks, I tried to talk myself into it. He was perfect on paper! What was wrong with me? But dating with intention means trusting yourself enough to know that “perfect on paper” doesn’t always translate to “right for me.” I ended things, and while it was hard to walk away from someone so objectively great, I knew I was honoring what I really wanted, which was that deeper connection.
According to Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of “Anatomy of Love,” chemistry and compatibility are both important. You can’t force chemistry by checking boxes, and intentional dating means being honest when it’s just not there, even if you wish it was.
When I Met My Husband
I’d been dating intentionally for about eight months when I met my husband at a friend’s barbecue. I almost didn’t go to that barbecue, by the way. I was tired, I had laundry to do, I’d been on several disappointing dates that month. But I went.
What was different about dating him was that I brought all my intentional dating lessons with me. On our second date, when he asked what I was looking for, I was honest: “I’m dating because I want to find a partner for the long term. Not trying to rush into anything, but I’m also not interested in casual.” He appreciated the honesty and shared that he was in the same place.
When we had our first disagreement about a month in, instead of playing it cool or pretending it didn’t bother me, I communicated clearly about how I felt. When things started getting serious, instead of waiting and wondering if he was on the same page, I checked in. “This is starting to feel pretty serious to me. How are you feeling about where we’re headed?”
None of these conversations were easy or comfortable. But they were honest. And his responses showed me that we were building something real, something aligned, something that was going somewhere.
The Hard Truth About Intentional Dating
Here’s what nobody tells you: dating with intention can feel lonely sometimes. You’ll watch friends settle for relationships that seem good enough. You’ll sit at home on Saturday nights when you could be on a date with someone you’re not that into. You’ll end things with people you genuinely like because you want different things. You’ll wonder if you’re being too picky or if you’re going to end up alone.
I had moments of doubt. Maybe I should lower my standards. Maybe wanting someone who checks all my boxes AND has amazing chemistry with me is unrealistic. Maybe I should just settle for someone nice enough and see what happens.
But then I’d remember how miserable I’d been in relationships that weren’t going anywhere. How much energy I’d wasted on people who weren’t right for me. How much I’d compromised my own needs and wants to keep something going that was never going to work long-term.
Dating with intention doesn’t guarantee you’ll meet the right person tomorrow. What it does guarantee is that you’ll stop wasting time on the wrong people. You’ll build self-respect by honoring your own needs. You’ll get better at communicating clearly and setting boundaries. And when you do meet someone who’s aligned with what you want, you’ll be ready for it in a way you never were before.
Read also Dating vs Relationship: When Did We Actually Become a Couple?
What It Looks Like Now
I’ve been married for several years now, and we have two boys who bring chaos and joy into our lives daily. When I look back on my dating years, I’m grateful for the time I spent dating without intention because it taught me what I didn’t want. But I’m even more grateful that I figured out intentional dating before too much more time passed.
I see friends now who are going through what I went through. Staying in mediocre relationships because they’re comfortable. Dating people who clearly aren’t right for them because they don’t want to be alone. Afraid to speak up about what they want because they might scare someone off.
I always tell them: if being honest about what you want scares someone off, they weren’t right for you anyway. The right person won’t be scared off by your clarity. They’ll appreciate it. They might even be relieved that someone finally said what they were both thinking.
Dating with intention isn’t about being cold or calculating. It’s about being brave enough to admit what you want and wise enough to stop accepting less than that. It’s about treating your time, your heart, and your future as valuable things worth protecting. And it’s about trusting that clarity, honesty, and self-respect will lead you to something better than settling ever could.
