I met my husband when I was 24, and honestly, it was after a string of dates that went nowhere. Coffee with guys who talked about themselves for an hour straight. Dinners where we had nothing in common but forced conversation anyway. Texts that fizzled out after three days. I was exhausted from dating and starting to wonder if real connection was even possible or just something rom-coms made up.
Then I met him, and within twenty minutes, I knew this was different. Not because of fireworks or love at first sight, but because the conversation felt easy. Because I could be myself without performing. Because there was genuine curiosity on both sides, not just two people going through the motions of a first date.
Looking back now, after over a decade together, I can see exactly what was different. And it wasn’t luck. It was a shift in how I approached dating, what I was looking for, and what I was willing to settle for. These ten pieces of advice aren’t theory. They’re what actually worked when I stopped dating to fill time and started dating to find someone real.
Dating Tips for Finding Genuine Connection
1. Stop Trying to Be What You Think They Want
This was my biggest mistake for years. I’d research guys before dates, figure out their interests, and mold myself to match. Like oh, you love hiking? Me too (I didn’t). You’re really into craft beer? Fascinating (it wasn’t). I thought I was being adaptable and likable, but really I was being dishonest.
Real connection happens when two authentic people meet, not when one person performs a version of themselves they think will be more appealing. My husband fell in love with the actual me, quirks and all. If I’d pretended to be someone else, we might never have gotten there. Show up as yourself from the very first date. If that’s not enough for them, they’re not your person.
2. Ask Questions That Go Beyond Surface Level
Small talk kills connection. Weather, jobs, where you went to college, these are fine for the first five minutes. But if you want to know if there’s real potential, you have to go deeper. I started asking questions like “What’s something you believed five years ago that you don’t believe anymore?” or “What’s a problem you’re actively trying to solve in your life right now?”
These questions feel vulnerable to ask, but they reveal so much about how someone thinks, what they value, what they’re working on becoming. You learn more from one honest answer to a deep question than from an hour of pleasant surface conversation. And if someone can’t or won’t go there? That tells you something too.
3. Pay Attention to How They Treat Service Staff
I know this is cliché advice, but it’s cliché because it’s true. How someone treats waiters, baristas, retail workers when they have nothing to gain tells you everything about their character. Are they polite? Do they say please and thank you? Do they get annoyed when their order is wrong, or do they handle it with grace?
On my third date with my husband, our waiter spilled water all over the table. My husband immediately said “No worries, happens to everyone” and helped clean it up. That moment told me more about who he was than any story he could have shared about himself. Watch how they treat people who can’t do anything for them. That’s who they really are.
4. Don’t Ignore Red Flags Just Because You’re Lonely
Loneliness will make you convince yourself that red flags are actually just pink flags, or even just quirks. He talks over you constantly? Maybe he’s just passionate. She’s rude to your friends? Maybe she’s having a bad day. He still brings up his ex constantly? Maybe he just needs closure.
Stop. Red flags are red for a reason. I wasted so much time in relationships I knew weren’t right because being with the wrong person felt better than being alone. But here’s the truth: being with the wrong person actually prevents you from finding the right person. And it definitely prevents you from being okay on your own, which you need to be before you can be okay with someone else.
5. Share Something Real on the First Date
I’m not saying trauma dump about your childhood on date one. But share something that matters to you, something that reveals who you actually are. Talk about a passion project, a fear you’re working through, a value you hold strongly. Give them something real to connect to.
On my first date with my husband, I told him I was terrified of never writing the book I’d been talking about writing for years. It was vulnerable and honest, and it opened up a conversation about dreams and fear and ambition that lasted hours. If I’d kept it light and surface, we might never have discovered how deeply we understood each other.
6. Notice How You Feel After Spending Time Together
Do you feel energized or drained? More yourself or less? Excited about seeing them again or relieved it’s over? Your body knows before your brain does whether this is right. I ignored this intuition so many times because someone looked good on paper or my friends liked them or I thought I should give it more time.
But when I met my husband, I felt more like myself around him than I did alone. I felt lighter, happier, more honest. That’s what connection feels like. If you’re constantly monitoring what you say or how you act, if you feel exhausted after every interaction, that’s not connection. That’s performance.
7. Don’t Rush Physical Intimacy
I’m not saying you need to wait until marriage or even until you’re official. But I am saying that physical chemistry can mask the absence of emotional connection. Sex creates feelings of closeness that might not actually be there. It speeds up timelines and makes you think you know someone better than you do.
Taking time to build emotional intimacy first lets you see clearly whether this person is actually right for you or if you’re just really attracted to them. There’s a difference. Attraction is important, but it’s not enough. Make sure there’s something real underneath before you complicate things with physical connection.
8. Be Honest About What You’re Looking For
If you want a serious relationship, say that. If you’re not sure what you want, say that too. If you’re dating casually and not looking for anything serious, be upfront about it. Ambiguity doesn’t protect you, it just wastes everyone’s time.
I spent years being vague about what I wanted because I didn’t want to scare guys away. But all that did was attract guys who weren’t looking for what I was looking for. When I started being honest from the beginning, I dated less but better. The people who wanted something different filtered themselves out, and the people who wanted the same thing showed up.
9. Watch How They Handle Conflict
You won’t really know someone until you disagree with them about something that matters. Do they listen or just wait for their turn to talk? Do they try to understand your perspective or just defend their own? Can they apologize when they’re wrong? Do they fight fair or do they go for low blows?
My husband and I had our first real disagreement about a month in. It was about something small, but how we handled it told us everything. We both listened, we both apologized for our parts, we both cared more about resolving it than being right. That’s when I knew we could actually build something lasting.
10. Trust Your Gut More Than Your Checklist
I had a whole checklist when I started dating. Height, job, education, hobbies, sense of humor, all these boxes someone needed to check. My husband didn’t check half of them. But my gut said yes from the first conversation, and I chose to listen to that instead of my list.
Your intuition knows things your conscious mind doesn’t. If something feels off, it probably is, even if you can’t articulate why. If something feels right, it probably is, even if it doesn’t make logical sense. Stop trying to logic your way into or out of relationships. Your gut is smarter than your spreadsheet.
What Real Connection Actually Feels Like
Here’s what nobody tells you about finding real connection: it’s not fireworks and butterflies and constant excitement. It’s ease. It’s being able to be quiet together without it feeling awkward. It’s laughing at the same dumb things. It’s feeling like you can say anything and be heard, not just tolerated.
Real connection is when you can be your most boring self and they’re still interested. When you can be your most anxious self and they’re still patient. When you can be your most ambitious self and they’re still supportive. It’s not about finding someone who completes you, it’s about finding someone who meets you where you are and walks beside you while you both keep growing.
I’m not special for finding this. I just stopped settling for less than it. I stopped dating people who felt wrong just because they felt available. I stopped trying to force connection where there wasn’t any. I got really honest about what I actually needed and what I wouldn’t compromise on.
And when I met someone who met me there, I recognized it. Not because bells went off or the universe aligned, but because it felt different than everything that came before. It felt like coming home.
That’s what you’re looking for. Not perfection, not constant excitement, not someone who checks every box. Just someone who feels like home. Someone you can be real with. Someone who makes life better by being in it.
That person exists. But you won’t find them if you’re too busy settling for people who don’t feel right or pretending to be someone you’re not. Date with intention. Be yourself relentlessly. Trust your gut. And don’t settle for anything less than real connection.
You deserve that. And it’s out there waiting for you.
